From our first date till now, my super fresh husband and me talked about it a lot.. What parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to teach them… We joked about our kids running around the house with the dogs and asking for carrot juice or organic pancakes in restaurants. How we would plant trees on birthdays and look for insects together in the garden. Yes. We really REALLY would love to have kids. In our 3 years together we had our ups & downs and are now in a place that we feel ready for the next move..



Really hope so, but who knows? We discussed our fertility doubts a couple of times too and I have to admit I am worried. I am really not sure at all if am able to have kids. I’ve had (& kicked) many unhealthy habits, had way too many friends with ‘benefits’ and was diagnosed with a pre-stage of cervical cancer October 2012 (a.k.a. the start of my Juicy Journey). Feeling very blessed and incredibly happy to be healthy now, there is still a great deal of uncertainty in my heart. To top it off.. both my husband and me used a serious & substantial amount of drugs and alcohol in the past, which probably did not have the best influence on our reproductive zones either…  We now live a very healthy lifestyle and feel ultra fantastico, but is our short healthy period exceeding the long and wracking past? We don’t know.  In the end we trust the magical healing capabilities of our bodies and hope, everything will work out for the best.


So from our weddingnight in Italy to our honeymoon in Bali.. after many months of rehearsals. We had quite a few romantic & hot moments so to speak… ;)



Along with Marvin Gaye vibes in our jungle view bedroom came the serious conversations about our options to also adopt a child. Next to our attempt in having kids the biological way. We live in a country with endless possibilities and both feel very lucky to born here in the Netherlands. We both have loving parents who gave us everything we needed and feel very fortunate for that. How about those kids that are in special need and don’t have parents anymore? We discussed how hard it can and probably will be, that it is a very long, difficult and intensive process to adopt. How on the other hand this will be very special and the right thing to do for us. And.. We said YES. Two weeks ago, in beautiful Bali, we decided to start the process in trying to adopt a child in desperate need… (of love, food, shelter, parents, a future, special care.) To be continued ☺



But for now.. Last Sunday we came back from our honeymoon and were reunited with the 2 loves of our lives on 4 legs. What a great feeling to be back! On the way from the airport home we could’nt help but dream on about our hopes to extend the family next to Harry & Moos… After all those hot nights (and mornings, afternoons…) Could I already be pregnant? I did have weird sensitive nipples in Bali right? (Really there is no correct way in talking about nipples). Back home we immediately wanted to get one of those pee-on-pregnancy tests. Unfortunately it turned out negative.

We were disappointed ofcourse, but we both realized it would have been really quick and I wasn’t even late yet. So maybe we should just let it all go and enjoy our new married lives..  stop testing. Or maybe not?



Today it is Thursday and I am now officially 2 days late. Honestly, I do feel different now. For real.  I feel much more relaxed and at ease than normally and am daydreaming all day long. My breast are getting slightly bigger than their original small size and I feel a twinkling feeling in my body. (It reminds me of the feeling when I have my first sips of red. Do you guys know that feeling?) So maybe it is time for another test. Tomorrow morning we will do the peeing thing again!




Now you might be wondering why on earth am I telling you this and not just wait for the outcome of the test. Or maybe wait even longer like most women and do a sonogram first? For me the only reason not to share this with you all would be that everything could still go wrong: Eventhough I really have pregnancy symptoms I could still just be late and have my period this weekend. I could have a positive test tomorrow, be sincerely happy and still have a miscarriage in the early weeks of pregnancy. As said before we have sincere doubts about our possibilities to have a baby. Reason enough to shut up and wait. Still I want to go beyond that fear and shame. Writing this blog is an important part of my journey through the jungle of life. I want to break my patterns and be vulnerable, tell my truth. Always. Thanks to Brene Brown I feel very certain in doing so. A couple of months ago I got the word ‘courage’ tattooed on my hand. With every page I will ever write I want myself to be reminded of that.  I want to have the courage to be vulnerable. I want to write it all down. The doubts and victories, the yeas and the nays. I will not feel ashamed nor stupid as tomorrow our test will be negative again. I know you guys have my back.


So what happens now? Well.. If I am pregnant I will be over the moon and think I will gain a lot of love and happiness from you.. my readers. If I am not pregnant.. I feel very confident I will get the love and the support I need. Either way. It truly sounds just right for me to share this with you all.


For now, fingers crossed and I will let you know. xxx


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Showing 5 comments
  • ozge

    I love you for sharing that! And how open you are! Wow, so much inspiration!

    • mirjamfromthemountain

      Thank you so much! :) I’ve had so many lovely responses like yours. I can highly recommend it too! big kiss and thanks for the comment xx

  • Bouch

    Ik zie nu past deze post van je… ach lieverd, laat de gedachte los en geniet van elkaar en op t moment dat je helemaal ontspannen bent en het niet meer een must voor je is, komt t vanzelf.. een ongezonde lifestyle in het verleden, zegt niets.dikke kus en blaas heel veel liefde jouw kant op..

    • mirjam

      Je bent een lieve vriendin :) Het was zo lastig om dat van me af te zetten, hoewel het nooit een must geweest is.. met iedere stap voelde ik die opgezwollen borsten. Maar het is dus gelukt zoals je weet.. en precies zoals jij zei. Toen alles ontspannen was gebeurde het! Zo mooi!! Ik blaas heeeeel veel liefde terug en hoop je gauw te zien lieve Bouchra! <3 xx


    Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel you. My husband and I also is having a hard time having a baby. We, also have 2 4 legs. Even though we don’t have baby, we are happy and the most important thing is that we love each other no matter how difficult it is to have one.

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